2.2 hours played
Written 29 days ago
Teaboy's Basic(ish) Reviews....I read a lot of reviews when looking at games on Steam, and it quickly gets tiring – those who write involved, down to the micron scale reviews, although helpful, end up like looking at War & Peace when you’ve only got time for a quick 5 minute dump! This is middle of the road and to the point – not easy for me as I tend towards sesquipedalian loquaciousness! Vociferously Verbose? Alright, verbal diarrhoea. (Although I hate panning a developer’s work and all the time, effort and love they put into designing these – it is their life after all – this is my honest, personal opinion of my level of enjoyment. Sorry devs!).
A note on time played: My Steam clock does not seem to work properly, indeed, it even minuses time on occasion! Plus, I have a tendency to wander off and leave games running at times, so time played may not be entirely accurate!
Teaboy’s Tonsil Titillators or Toenail Titbits! (Rating)
Tonsil Tickler (Totally Tops): The frenchy of which you always dreamt! To quote a master, “She’s got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a Man’s tonsils!”. An absolute masterpiece and joy to play.
The Tits (Terrific): Everyone loves playing with these! Not THE best bit, but such fun on their own you can be lost for hours....mmmm. What most games you really like score – perfection is so rare after all.
Torso Teaser (Taker of your Time): It’s a flat stomach....sure it’s nice to look at, run your fingers over, slobber on a bit, sometimes that bellybutton gets your motor running....but it's just basically the corridor between the two ‘gaming rooms’. The definitive ‘Meh’ - the middle ‘sideways thumb’ option for which everyone on Steam cries.
Todger/Tadger & (scroTum) Taters (Tedious): Is it an ‘a’ or is it an ‘o’? Who cares! The meat can be fun to play with for about 5 minutes of your entire day, the rest it just hangs there and generally gets in the way of doing something else. The main problem of course, is the two veg sticking to your inside thigh. This is what this game feels like – the occasional/rare bouts of fun, the rest bobbing like a 19th century British Policeman (now you know why!).
Toenail Tornado (Total Toss): A playthrough so appalling it’s like being trapped in a Turkish sauna with the ugliest, hairiest, fattest, sweatiest beast of a neolithic hominid who’s trimming his toenails using pliers and the splinters are reminiscent of a scene from the Normandy Landings. My god how did this get released!?
Teaboy Touts (Score): Torso Teaser
The Review:
A sound middle of the road score for this triple-pack. First 2 games are very simple but enjoyable enough in their own right, whereas the third was a pile of doodoo! It just did not come off properly at all and the combat was dreadful. I completed both of the others in the same sitting and then went straight onto the last one....and gave it about 20 minutes. So, about an hour each, and the third instalment was just horrendous.
Literally stand behind a barricade and shoot various zombies as they trudge, scuttle and charge towards you. You devote your allotment of 'time' to searching for survivors and new, bigger and better guns (and also traps which were virtually pointless - example being an exploding oil drum you could never shoot cos the zombies are in the way! Then you randomly blow it whilst not even aiming at it).
The survivors man the wall with you and you can give them the guns you find (whilst of course keeping the most shootery blaster for yourself!) but the wimps will run away when the barricade is almost gone, and will also get killed by certain zombies with melee weapons - idiots!
Complete the round/days defence and you allot your time again to searching and also repairing your barricade - the more survivors the better your repair rate. Repeat. The 2nd instalment differs only in it being a map you have to cross and choose building s to search.
Simple as that. Job done. 2 hours of mindless fun. Even for a game that is keyboard and mouse only and I loathe k/m, it was enjoyable, even if moving is minor and you keep getting stuck, the majority of it is moving the mouse cursor/targeting reticule over a zombie's head and clicking its brains out^^
Game 3....sigh. You move through the streets and into buildings and have zombies just trundle up to you, and here it gets terrible, due to them ALWAYS hitting you and you sticking your arm out like an 80's arcade machine punch - your character stands there and his arm goes through about 3 stages of art, down, up, out/punch. Trust me, it is dreadful. I see what they were trying to do, but I think they programmed it whilst blind-drunk and with broken fingers.
Still, on sale it is well worth it for the first 2, and as it comes with them, see what you think of 3 for yourself, maybe it floats your boat...it just sank mine ;p