409.9 hours played
Written 8 days ago
Medieval II: Total War – Faith, Fire, and the Occasional Flaming Cow (Player Review)
By: A Battle-Hardened Bloke Who Forgets His PIN but Remembers Where to Stick a Pike
Let me tell you something. Medieval II: Total War isn’t just a game—it’s a lifestyle. A way of thinking. A crusade in its own right. It’s the digital version of shouting “DEUS VULT” while trying to keep your kingdom from imploding because you built too many cathedrals and not enough farms.
You don’t play Medieval II for the realism. You play it for the raw, unfiltered medieval chaos. For trebuchets flinging dead horses. For inquisitors who execute your faction leader because he forgot to pray. For the Pope, who you definitely didn’t bribe. Not directly, anyway.
Graphics & Atmosphere:
Now look, this game came out in 2006. It’s old. Like, “I still had a flip phone and thought MySpace would last forever” kind of old. But somehow, Med II still oozes charm.
The campaign map looks like a painter had one too many ales and started decorating a tapestry with mountains, cities, and occasionally, randomly-placed rebel armies who’ve been camping there since the Black Plague.
And the battlefield? Gritty. Gory. Glorious. It’s not always pretty, but by god it’s medieval. You want knights charging across a frosty field into a mob of peasants? You got it. You want flaming arrows lighting up the night like an 11th-century rave? Say no more.
Gameplay:
This game is equal parts tactics, micromanagement, and praying the Mongols don't show up before you've figured out how to build stone walls.
You start with your humble little kingdom, full of hope and dreams, and within ten turns your allies have betrayed you, your cardinal got assassinated by a Sicilian, and half your population hates you because you raised taxes to pay for a crusade that never made it past Greece.
Each turn feels like babysitting a dozen toddlers with swords. Your generals randomly gain traits like “Likes the Smell of Blood” or “Terrified of Horses” with zero explanation. Your princesses have diplomatic potential unless they get rejected too many times, at which point they become bitter and useless. (Relatable.)
Oh, and don’t you dare piss off the Pope. One wrong move and he’ll excommunicate you faster than you can say Ave Maria.
Battles:
Now THIS is where Medieval II shines like a sword under a siege tower fire.
Formations, morale, terrain—it all matters. But at the same time, you’ll definitely see a group of peasants somehow rout your dismounted knights because Jesus said so. Cavalry charges hit like trucks. Archers? Absolutely devastating. Elephants? Don’t ask. Just don’t.
Sieges are an absolute blast. You get to build rams, towers, catapults—and then watch in horror as your ladder crew gets annihilated by boiling oil from the enemy gates while your general calmly remarks, "This battle goes well for us."
The AI, bless it, ranges from tactical genius to lemming on fire. Sometimes it’ll flank you like a proper field commander, and other times it’ll walk straight into a pike wall and die with dignity.
Diplomacy
Diplomacy is largely ornamental. Think of it as a passive-aggressive family reunion: everyone smiles at you while secretly planning to stab you in the back for a province and a goat.
Alliances are made to be broken. Trade agreements last until someone sneezes near a border. The Pope will ask you to stop attacking fellow Christians… unless it’s someone he doesn’t like. Then it’s holy war, baby.
Oh, and your diplomat might travel across half of Europe for ten turns just to offer a ceasefire, only for France to say “nah” and attack you again.
Religion:
You want holy pressure? This game will slap you in the face with it. Catholic factions live in constant fear of the Pope. Orthodox factions get side-eyed by everyone. And if you're Islamic? Well, enjoy the permanent crusade DLC.
Also, inquisitors are Satan. They will assassinate your generals with 97% piety just because they wore the wrong socks to Mass. You’ll try to kill one with an assassin and he’ll survive, convert your assassin, and burn your king for heresy.
Expansion & Replayability:
Between the base game and the Kingdoms expansion, you’ve got like six lifetimes’ worth of gameplay. Want to hold Jerusalem? Do it. Want to conquer the British Isles as the Irish and rename every city after your mates? I highly recommend it.
Want to beat the Mongols using only militia and passive-aggressive threats? Challenge accepted.
Each campaign offers a fresh mix of betrayal, backstabbing, and battle. It’s like a history teacher had a breakdown and made a video game.
Final Thoughts:
Medieval II is clunky. It’s old. It crashes sometimes. The voice acting is questionable. The diplomacy is broken. The pathfinding will occasionally send your entire cavalry unit into the back of your own spearmen.
And yet, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It’s one of the most charming, dramatic, over-the-top, and genuinely fun strategy games ever made. It’s like being handed a throne, a sword, and a big ol’ bag of “Good Luck, You’ll Need It.”
So if you like grand campaigns, glorious battles, and watching your carefully-laid plans collapse in a fiery heap while an Italian priest judges you silently from the corner—this is your game.
Final Rating:
9 out of 10 heretics burned
Would get excommunicated again