11.1 hours played
Written 5 years ago
[h1]“We sure can have a lot of stuff! We can even have nothing!”
~Mikhail Zhvanetsky[/h1]
[b]Letande[/b] vs. crappy Russian [b]RPG[/b]s! Round [b]999[/b]! [i]FIGHT!!![/i] Seriously, though. When it's about crappy Russian (also, Ukrainian) role-playing games, I'm a freakin' veteran. I've played and finished pretty much everything there was – from [b]Заклятие[/b] ([b]Spells of Gold[/b]) to [b]Талисман[/b] ([b]Talisman[/b], an RPG in Slavic setting from [b]2003[/b], not to be confused with German point-and-click adventure from [b]1995[/b] and [b]Nomad Games[/b]' adaptation of [b]Game Workshop[/b]'s tabletop game). To be honest, though, I didn't expect any new games of the kind. I mean, something like that? It was possible only during the very certain time period. A period, when majority of the Russian people didn't have access to [b]Internet[/b] connection and it was possible to sell pretty much any crap to them for the price of proper products. Games like [b]Орда: Северный Ветер[/b] ([b]Horde: Northern Wind[/b]) were possible only because there was no [b]YouTube[/b] to show people what they'll actually get for their money. The more accessible [b]Internet[/b] became – the less of such games we've got. The lest one of the kind I've played was, I believe, Ukrainian [b]Заговор Тёмной Башни[/b] ([b]Dark Tower Conspiracy[/b], AKA [b]Dungeon Quest[/b]) in [b]2006[/b]. After that? All those wannabe developers switched to mobile games. Which are not nearly as fun to suffer through.
I mean... let's just admit it, there's a certain something about those ultra-crappy PC games. When you download yet another f2p “farm” that wants you to pay [i]one million dollars[/i] to build a barnyard from [b]Google Play[/b]? You're, like, “OK, whatever”. You've seen one of such games, you've seen them all. Nobody even expects a real deal from them. But when you see something that actually tries to act like a real thing? When you see a game, in which a couple of talentless bums with no experience tried to create their own groundbreaking role-playing experience? It's just... there's a certain kind of fun in watching them failing hard. And that's exactly what we have here. Yes, [b]Bogatyr[/b] is one of [i]those[/i] games. I was really surprised, but it's actually pretty close to [b]Talisman[/b] ([b]2003[/b]). Sure, [b]Talisman[/b] is still the worst one of its kind (heck, sometimes it was even hard to walk forward in that game), but [b]Bogatyr[/b] really is really trying to get close.
First of all – you don't need this game. You have it in your wishlist? Remove it right away. Remove it from your wishlist, wash your monitor, then turn off your PC, burn it and bury the ashes in your worst enemy's backyard. You don't need this crap in your life, as long as, like yours truly, you don't like suffering through this kind of stuff. In other words, you want to laugh your way through somebody's failure? Get this with at least [b]80%[/b] off. You want a good game? Don't even think about this one. You get it as a part of the bundle? Remove it from your account right away. It's [i]that[/i] bad. All positive reviews? Those are either from trolls, or just fake. You have been warned.
Now let's talk about the details. First of all, gameplay mechanics sucks. Even though [b]Bogatyr[/b] is a very, [i]very[/i] basic game and even the most basic features are not presented here (heck, there's no even character screen, even though you will level up and get a couple of new attacks), it feels [i]incredibly[/i] uncomfortable and even attacking the enemies feels random. The story is barely there. We're playing as so-called bogatyr (some sort of Slavic knight-errant), who just returned from war to find his homeland in a pretty bad shape. You can complete a series of optional objectives, but what you actually need to do is to speak with one [b]NPC[/b], eat a mushroom, travel to the forest and kill the boss there. That's pretty much it for the main story. It's [i]that[/i] short and can be finished in only a few minutes. The most optional objectives you'll finish, though, the better “ending” you'll get. The ending is just a plain text, though, so, it's not like it's worth bothering.
It's especially so thanks to how cheap this game feels. Here's a nice example - quest markers won't update and will keep pointing to the empty space after you'll complete the objective. And how many optional objectives there are? Well, look at the achievements. Pretty much every action in the game has a corresponding achievement. Also, close to no items, no stores, no money, no skill points... Almost nothing that the real games have. But I've already said that this one is limited. Just keep in mind that it's [i]laughably[/i] limited. You'll probably have a good laugh (as long as you didn't pay much for this, otherwise, the joke will be on you) just by seeing what this game [i]doesn't[/i] have (see the quote above). Just because, well, it has close to nothing.
Another important thing to mention here is the fact that English translation is absolutely awful. Remember the original translation of the first [b]Pathologic[/b]? Well, that's what we have here. What's even more fun, though, is that even the original Russian text is full of stupid grammar errors and typos. Makes me seriously wonder about how old developers are. Especially since they call themselves “[b]Bratans[/b]”, which means something like “da bros”. Looking at those radical dudes' attempts to translate their “game” to English without being able to properly use their own language? Let's just say it's a thing to behold.
So... yeah... Like I've already said, you won't want this game, as long as you're not aiming for [b]AVGN[/b]'s “[i]aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaass![/i]” effect. If you'll use this game for a certain kind of meditation, you'll sure achieve zen at the end of it. A very certain kind of zen. The one that comes with a bottle of vodka, ushanka-hat and balalaika. But if you want a good (or at least, properly playable) game? Like I've said, you shouldn't even think about [b]Bogatyr[/b]. You saw it in store? Go and wash your eyes with a soap. Dixi.
