0.0 hours played
Written 11 days ago
RimWorld: Royalty is the DLC that lets you crown someone king of a rice field in the middle of a manhunting squirrel apocalypse. It introduces noble titles, psychic powers, and absurd amounts of entitlement into your already doomed colony.
I started the game like usual: three half-broken survivors and a burning passion for potatoes. Then the Empire showed up and said, “Hey, want to turn one of your colonists into royalty?” Obviously, I said yes. Now I have Countess Barbara, who refuses to do basic tasks like cooking, hauling, or even defending herself from angry ducks. But she can demand six-course meals, royal bedrooms, and a throne room with priceless art and a harp no one knows how to play.
At one point, Barbara threw a tantrum because the floor wasn’t shiny enough. She ripped off her clothes, punched the cook, and collapsed in the hallway sobbing. The cook then got an infection and died because Barbara insulted the medic earlier and he refused to treat her out of spite.
The psychic powers are great though. You can launch lightning bolts, stop time, or make raiders vomit until they pass out. Unfortunately, your noble will only use these powers if they aren’t busy meditating under a tree in perfect silence for 12 hours a day.
The quests from the Empire are also something else. One of them involved housing a noble who immediately insulted everyone, ate all our survival meals, and walked into a trap labeled “DO NOT ENTER.” He lost a leg. We got two honor points.
I now have three nobles who do nothing, wear ridiculous gold helmets, and argue about table quality. My only builder died of plague because our count was too busy playing harp in a throne room shaped like a taco.
RimWorld: Royalty adds class, elegance, and absolute madness. You will build palaces for people who demand silk drapes while the rest of the colony is eating raw squirrel meat.
It’s perfect.